So all I hear these days is “Oh, North Korea has a new rocket, oh, North Korea is testing its long-range missile launching capability, oh, nuclear disarmament negotiations are hopeless!” Even the Swiss are pissed, so you know something has to be done. But what? Obama is calling for a nuclear-free world, which should do the trick because, despite his Don King haircut, Kim Jong Il seems to be a pretty reasonable guy.
Still… on the slim offchance that we’re wrong about this and Kim Jong Il turns out to be a dictatorial madman with no interest in peaceful disarmament, what then? Short of the (admittedly drastic) measure of a trade embargo cutting off his supply of Forever 21 sunglasses, what carrots and sticks do we use? Behold - the possibilities are endless:
NOTHING!: We do not negotiate with rogue nations! Instead we will devastate them by periodically shaking our fists and going “ooh you’d better not” and “ooh you’ll be sorry” until they relent.
MORE NOTHING! What do you give the rogue nation that has nothing? More nothing! Sanctions will make North Korea go from Starvingest Stalinist Dictatorship to MORE StarvingestER Dictatorship EVER! Let’s see how much longer Kim Jong Il can take the pain after we sanction away his janitor’s children’s sumptuous dirt buffet!
NOTHING… PLUS ANTI-BALLISTIC MISSILES!: The United States does not negotiate with rogue nations… and we don’t have to, because we have spent over $200 billion on a vast and array of broken anti-ballistic missiles! When those North Korean missiles see our far more expensive and non-functional missile shield, they will be so impressed and intimidated they will drop harmlessly into the ocean to be eaten by large fish a la Super Mario Brothers 3.
DELICIOUS KLONDIKE BAR: What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you shut down your nuclear weapons program, submit to a thorough inspections regime, and disarm your stock of ballistic missiles? Well, the United States doesn’t care, because the United States does not give delicious ice cream to rogue nations. That would only encourage them to develop nuclear weapons just for the sake of obtaining delicious ice cream.
FAKE OUT: Barack Obama goes “Hey look over there - an aid package and a non-aggression pact!” While North Korea turns around going “Where?”, Obama makes off with up to six nuclear warheads, 100 No-Dong missiles, 8000 spent fuel rods, and a bunch of plutonium. Suckers!
FAKE OUT 2: Obama promises that in exchange for the dismantling of its nuclear program North Korea will receive a “wet willie,” an unspecified prize too enigmatic for North Korea to resist. When the agreement is signed, however, North Korea gets nothing more - and nothing LESS - then a moistened finger swirled in its ear, to its bitter shame and eternal embarrassment!
