June 2011
1 post
Population Control
A recent conversation about use of the word ”EXpresso” got me thinking that we could really thin out the English-speaking population by just instantly executing people that say that. Malthusian benefits aside, I tried to file that one away in my big book of Kinda Mean Things I Will Never Admit I Think Even Though I Secretly Really Do. But then I remembered how I feel the same way...
May 2011
1 post
Sorry blog, I just don’t have the time to devote to you anymore. I’m really busy looking at consumer crap nonstop and letting my brain ooze out my ever-largening pores. Largening? See - this exactly why I need to retire. Anyway- what’s new with me? 1. Job. I still work at the same place, but am now a manager. This means that I do essentially the same thing I always have, but I...
February 2011
1 post
November 2010
1 post
September 2010
1 post
Let’s see… it’s almost 10:00 pm and I’m still doing work, so uh…
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
August 2010
1 post
Social Security cost me $300 this month. I think I just started to believe in euthanasia.
June 2010
1 post
It’s probably not a good sign that whenever someone asks me how I decided upon my current career path I basically end up describing the plot of Faust.
May 2010
3 posts
The past ten days, I have sustained myself on a diet of little but coffee and desperation. It has had some regrettable consequences for my skin (or possibly I have contracted leprosy?) but in any case, I now have a degree.
I’m now in the market for a temporary source of income to support my (increasingly alarming) white zinfandel habit until I depart for my new Korean home. But it seems I will never attain one, because evidently you are now required to fill out a ‘personality assessment’ when applying for shitty minimum wage jobs?
And it is all weird/impossible to answer shit like “If work is stressful, I have no...
Sometimes I feel like my life is this video game (not a cool “new style” video game with like…military strategies or pro-skaters but more of an 80’s arcade style game like Galaxian or Arkanoid or the like)
Allow me to expand upon this shitty metaphor. So…I’m walking along jumping from awesome hovering platform to awesome hovering platform when suddenly I...
March 2010
1 post
Um, yeah right, Amazon, there is no WAY that “RKatherine’s Boogiedown Philosophy” AND “Sense and Sensimilla” are both already claimed payphrases.
February 2010
1 post
An unpleasant feeling: when you finish writing a paper and you are genuinely unsure of whether it is plagiarized or not.
January 2010
7 posts
I haven’t done much today besides read while in a supine position and re-arrange my furniture and closet. When I decided to live where I do, it was in part because I wanted to experience a tiny existence. What I suppose I didn’t realize is that things are always rushing in to fill up a life, causing it to pull at its seams. It takes careful and constant pruning to keep things under control.
...
I hallucinate my cell phone ringtone with startling frequency.
Today I am restless. I feel like I should be doing things, but things have ended or been conquered so less doing is now required. Near the capitol there were some people dressed up as Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty dancing around on behalf of a tax service. We can all agree that this is a pretty stupid job, though considerably more bearable for Lady Liberty, whose costume delivers dignity...
Woke up with a mild hangover and, more importantly, a new nickname: Rord Rage. It’s a play on ‘roid rage, though I could see where one might trace it etymology to road rage. Either way, I think it captures my essence quite nicely.
Returned to school to discover the heat in my house was not working.
Have been living since Tuesday in an unheated Wisconsin winter. I am now Laura Ingalls Wilder.
My father has taken to eating peanut butter and bacon sandwiches, which goes a long way in explaining the genetic origins of my own refined palette.
I promise to do my very very best, all the time, every time. In business, in art, in copyright violations, in life. I vow never to give less than 110% of my heart and soul to whatever I am doing, from ridiculing strangers on the internet to listening sympathetically to my friends’ problems and concerns. I will ensure that my attitude is positive and my intentions pure each and every time...
December 2009
7 posts
This New Year’s Eve, in honor of things both past and pending, I have determined this will be 25 songs I will need when I am the last(ish) human on earth. Or, at the least, the songs that the society formed by my descendants will play in the background of the Hallmark Channel Original they make about my post-apocalyptic wanderings.
1. For when I have to fight a pack of feral dogs for some...
And just like that, Lite FM is back to playing Sting.
Much as I enjoy celebrating the birth of Christ by simultaneously engaging in gluttony, greed, and sloth, I am glad that Christmas is over.
I prefer a normal day.
Does the United States Postal Service know what the word ‘Deceased’ means? I feel like if they did, they would stop stamping it on return-to-sender mail. But considering that PTSD sufferers get bonus points on the postal test for adding that extra “total nutjob” flair to an already beleaguered institution… I dunno.
I recently discovered that a friend tried to send me...
So many of my meals today have been candy.
Wait.
All of them.
All of them have been candy.
Happy Wednesday, lovers of the world. Oh man, I really meant to “blog” once a day, but the days just bleed into each other and before I know it, it’s several days since a “post”. Plus, when I do sit down to write, I often feel like, “Why bother?” and then get back up and wander to another room. It’s the Shit Mountain problem, which means there is a...
Every December, without fail, I have the same awful moment in which I sit down to begin reviewing for final exams and realize ‘Well, shit. My entire semester’s worth of lecture notes is nothing but a 3-ring binder full of completed Sudoku puzzles.’
Probably going to title my memoir “One Day in the Life of Rori Costellovich”. And it will be about today. The longest day of my life.
It will begin with when the dumb bitch at Starbucks made my vanilla latte at least ten degrees too cold, and conclude with me gouging out my own eyes with a Pilot V5 Finepoint pen to avoid reading one more word about American noncompliance with the...
September 2009
1 post
Oh helllooooo Barnes and Noble e-advertisement! Please detail the highlights of your latest literary brain ticklers for me! This is an excellent reminder of why I never buy books online - it’s because I’m forced to look at books by women.
Good. God.
If I were involved with some sort of Baader-Meinhof group right now, I think I’d propose that our first “political...
August 2009
4 posts
important news
Okay. I know you turn to my blog for the hard-hitting news of the hour and this toothsome morsel of news is just in- so ready yourselves. Here goes:
It seems I am getting frown lines- BIG TIME. One of them, anyway. Actually, it’s probably more like a sneer line, being that that is my #1 Trademarked Facial Expression. But let’s agree that it would be hard...
midsummer night's dream
Last night I had some weird dreams - possibly the result of a nocturnal M&M bender - but who can say what sweet dreams are made of? (these?) I realize it’s annoying to listen to other people talk about their dreams, but I feel that last night’s epic series, while perhaps not offering broad appeal, was fairly compelling…
Anyway - in one of these...
get this straight
Ok, so let’s just clear a few things up once and for all:
Salad? It sucks. Chances are you eat it because it comes with your burger/soup/linguine with clam sauce and you don’t want to look like a asshole for not eating it. Or you’re like me and sometimes you like to atone for previous and unrelated sins. You probably wanted to get the fries instead but now that you’re...
July 2009
8 posts
three rules to govern your existence
As you probably know (unless you are from a non-food-appreciating country like Scotland), food can be so excellent! But Chinese—it can get really tricky with that particular cuisine. Chinese food is often awful, pungent, and mysteriously cheap – to find a great Chinese restaurant is to rejoice!
Here are some of my tips for finding a BAD Chinese restaurant, and ...
dash
In this, the summer of my unemployment, keeping up with celebrity deaths has become my full-time job.
And you see, it’s tough. On the one hand I think it’s pretty lame to harsh on the dead. It’s like kicking a turtle, or making fun of Canada. Dead people are just bad opponents. Just last week I was infuriated by Linda Stasi’s libelous and small-minded spearing of Michael...
elderlies take note
I have had it up to HERE with the elderly already. I had to wait, oh I don’t know, 30 minutes at Paciugo to get my fave gelato because there was a goddamn gipper chain in front of me all trembling and bobbing its collective head- needing to hear the flavors repeated thirty times and wanting to pay by check and god knows what else (I had my iPod on). Anyway, I guess I just don’t...
i scream
In case you didn’t know, July is National Ice Cream Month. Don’t worry if you didn’t know. There’s still plenty of time to use it as an excuse to make a gluttonous pig of yourself. In my own personal quest to prove myself as “the girl most into ice cream of anyone you know,” I’m hitting a different spot each day.
In making sure that everybody is aware of my reputation, I’ve also been forcing the...
equilibrium
Despite my genuine effort, in about thirty seconds I am going to turn in what might very well be the worst paper of my college career.
But console yourselves, for in about thirty-five seconds, I am going to mix what might very well be the best rum and coke of my college career.
And just like that, the forces of the universe are in equilibrium again.
costello's first law
If you are my waiter at Olive Garden, your tip will be directly proportional to your vigilance in replenishing the free breadsticks.
the hills are alive...
…With the sounds of all kinds of shit. I sincerely apologize for practically being on a milk carton for the last three weeks. There’s really no specific reason or excuse for it other than I just have not felt like it. I’m an adult, that’s reason enough - I don’t have to answer to anyone - YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD.
I don’t even know where to begin….to...
June 2009
3 posts
birthday redux-x-x
Thirteen hours into 21 and the jury is still out on whether or not I can keep up with this nonsense. I thought I was a pretty dedicated boozer (and bruiser), but having spent the hours since 3am passed out in a pool of my own mortality…certain doubts have arisen.
I sound like Dina Lohan today and everything I put in my mouth tastes vaguely of liquor. This is not a good moment, but I have...
for posterity's sake
Tonight, I put the capstone on My Life’s Work To Date, which is to that say I turn 21.
God and alcohol dehydrogenase enzymes willing, I will live to blog again. But if not, take comfort in the fact that I died doing what I loved: drinking wine from a box while wearing a novelty crown.
I would also like to add, for posterity’s sake, that I love you and think you look good in your...
here's to injustice!
Growing up, you have this notion that adulthood is going to be a glamourous affair rife with tinkling cocktails and sweeping city views from the windows of a 5-star hotel, all enjoyed in the company of a ruggedly handsome male escort named Alistair whose exorbitant hourly fee you pay by stealing money from the eleventh Congressional district of North Carolina which you are presently representing...
May 2009
5 posts
and I swear it's not ours
Somewhere in the respectable, WASPy neighborhood of my parents, there is a wireless network called “Fuckmountain”.
here have some summer
Sorry I keep skipping out of your lives like some sort of whiskey-soaked deadbeat dad, but important shit was going down in the month of May. Most of it involved bureaucratic authoritarianism and/or plate tectonics, so I will not torture you with a play-by-play.
A few days into summer and I am slowly readjusting my pace. That is to say, I am quickly slowing my pace. I think sometimes the...
April 2009
4 posts
this is probably in poor taste
This may be old news for you, but here is a link to the most jacked up webpage I have ever had the displeasure to read. I know it’s probably wrong of me to make fun of something so fucked up, but I just gotta. It’s been a rough morning.
Ok.
So, I guess this couple aborted their baby and they evidently now regret it… so they’ve made this whole page for “their son...
ultimate white whine
I think that all of my uncertainties in life—which are not few—stem from one thing. And that one thing is that I cannot decide whether I want to be a pot-smoking hippie dirtbag who wears an unwashed Bob Marley t-shirt to her job at a local non-profit, or a well-groomed trophy wife with four Jack Russell terriers who serves on the board of the children’s hospital.
It’s the...
How do you solve a problem like Korea?
So all I hear these days is “Oh, North Korea has a new rocket, oh, North Korea is testing its long-range missile launching capability, oh, nuclear disarmament negotiations are hopeless!” Even the Swiss are pissed, so you know something has to be done. But what? Obama is calling for a nuclear-free world, which should do the trick because, despite his Don King haircut, Kim Jong Il...