A recent conversation about use of the word ”EXpresso” got me thinking that we could really thin out the English-speaking population by just instantly executing people that say that. Malthusian benefits aside, I tried to file that one away in my big book of Kinda Mean Things I Will Never Admit I Think Even Though I Secretly Really Do. But then I remembered how I feel the same way about people who abbreviate et cetera to ‘ect.’ or pronounce it “EXetera” (you see where I’m going with this?)
So then I’m like “Okay okay okay! If a person says EXpresso (or worse, EXpecially) AND they also abbreviate et cetera as ‘ect.’, then it’s okay if they just self-destruct on the street like a suicide bomber (but with no collateral damage. So think more like an implosion than an explosion.)
Although an EXplosion would be ironic, don’t ya think?
Sorry blog, I just don’t have the time to devote to you anymore. I’m really busy looking at consumer crap nonstop and letting my brain ooze out my ever-largening pores. Largening? See - this exactly why I need to retire.
Anyway- what’s new with me?
1. Job. I still work at the same place, but am now a manager. This means that I do essentially the same thing I always have, but I get to yell at people more frequently. Awesome! I have also hung a poster of Lady Gaga in my office.
2. Eyelash extensions. I was going to put this first and Career Updatez second, but thought you might think less of me. But seriously, eyelash extensions are amazing and if I was completely terrible with money I would have them constantly. It’s important to have at least ONE part of your body resemble that of a classy hooker, and I have chosen my eyelids.
3. Just finished reading The Mosquito Coast - a book suggested to me by a friend when I began expressing a desire to leave modern civilization and live off the land in Ecuador or something. The book was awesome, and even though dude ends up getting his brain eaten by a vulture, I’m still not sure that’s worse than say, a corporate job?
4. Went to the gym for the first time since approximately four score and seven years ago. I did eleven sit ups, ran one-sixteenth of a mile, then gave up. As a direct result, I have been practically quadriplegic ever since. Prediction: two years from now, this I will use the blog as a forum to chronicle my experience with gastric bypass surgery.
5. Dropped my new iPod down an elevator shaft. Irretrievably.
6. Uhhhh lost my thought train.
Protests in the Wisconsin state capitol, 24 hours a day for the past week.
Juss sayin’.
Let’s see… it’s almost 10:00 pm and I’m still doing work, so uh…
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
Social Security cost me $300 this month. I think I just started to believe in euthanasia.
It’s probably not a good sign that whenever someone asks me how I decided upon my current career path I basically end up describing the plot of Faust.
The past ten days, I have sustained myself on a diet of little but coffee and desperation. It has had some regrettable consequences for my skin (or possibly I have contracted leprosy?) but in any case, I now have a degree.
I’m now in the market for a temporary source of income to support my (increasingly alarming) white zinfandel habit until I depart for my new Korean home. But it seems I will never attain one, because evidently you are now required to fill out a ‘personality assessment’ when applying for shitty minimum wage jobs?
And it is all weird/impossible to answer shit like “If work is stressful, I have no problem turning to a movie or television—true or false?” …Do they mean on the job? As in, would I be all “Fuck this spreadsheet…. Everybody Loves Raymond!!!”?
There was one I totally couldn’t answer, something to the tune of, “when I get angry…blah blah something about letting go.” That is so unclear. Let the anger go or like… let go with my AK47?
“Do you work because you like it or out of a sense of duty?”
“You give the distinct impression to everyone you work with that you are destined to succeed—true or false?”
“You are kinda commie, and want to work hard for little money and eat gruel.”
“Do you prefer work or magic? CHOOSE NOW.”
Sometimes I feel like my life is this video game (not a cool “new style” video game with like…military strategies or pro-skaters but more of an 80’s arcade style game like Galaxian or Arkanoid or the like)
Allow me to expand upon this shitty metaphor. So…I’m walking along jumping from awesome hovering platform to awesome hovering platform when suddenly I misjudge my jump and fall and plummet down, confused, having just landed in a pile of rusty knives and and student loans and a worthless major and there’s a chain of fireballs swinging wildly at me. You know what I mean?
